Thursday, March 1, 2007
I've been thinking a lot that last few days about my attitude. In all honesty, I don't have a very good one. But, trying to be positive all the time seems to stress me out. I think some people are just naturally positive. Maybe there's a gene for that, too, there's one for everything else. A few weeks ago I saw the movie The Secret. It really made me think about my bad attitude. If you haven't seen it or heard about it yet, the premise is the law of attraction. I've heard about this from time to time throughout my life, but not to this depth. Anyway, so I've been trying to be positive so that I can attract positive things and people to me. I have had contact with too many negative people in the last few years, and my family has been affected by them, too. My oldest son has lost his best friend because of negativity. Not ours, but the friend's mother's. So, I thought about what I don't like about my life, and what I would like for my future. The only one that can change my life is me, so, that's what I'm trying to do. I know what I don't want to be. I don't want to be overweight and bitchy, always talking about what I was like 10 years ago; how active and athletic I was. I want to BE that way now. I love mountainbiking, but I haven't been on my bike in over a year. I've been sick, thinking I was getting old physically, and being sad about it because in my mind I still feel pretty young. Come to find out, there's a medical reason for my fatigue, depression and mood swings. And no it isn't menopause yet! Actually it's my thyroid. So, now I'm on a regimen of vitmains, minerals and Armour thyroid. I'm getting better, but now that I know I still have some kick left in me, I'm impatient to be healthy and active again. So, there's something to look up about. So, where's the rest of my bad attitude coming from? It's one of those things that can 't be controlled. I feel like I'm being crowded and that I don't have enough space. I feel like people are always invading my personal space. Noise is the worst culprit. When we moved from PA, we decided to live in the country. We're not as far out as I would like to be, but this is where we are for now. I like my house, just wish we were more rural than we are. I grew up kind of in the country, but lived for years in the city when I was going to school. There's something to be said for city life. You can walk to most places and you're close to shopping and conveniences and work. But, I don't want to live in the city anymore. I'm tired of the loud stereos and especially the awful thumping of the bass lines. I don't know what makes people think I want to listen to their music when I have my own going in my own car. Or my own house. There's a SUV that drives past my house every day, and you can hear him coming for at least a full 40 seconds before you see him. I can't hear my own tv when he goes by. If it's that loud that I can hear it before I see him, what must it be like inside that vehicle? Now, I'm libertarian by nature, so I really don't care what anyone does, that is, until it affects me. And this does affect me. I moved out here for the peace and quiet, and most of the time it is quiet, so I have to live with that. I can't control what other people do. They'll all go deaf and then they'll have to FEEL the bass because they won't be able to hear it. The other reason I want to be way out on the edge of the earth is because I don't think people know how to be good neighbors anymore. I'm tired of parties where the stereo is brought out onto the deck so that the whole neighborhood can hear the music all night long. I wasn't invited, so I don't want to be a part of it from afar. Especially at three in the morning and this has happened to us. I'm very grateful that those people moved away. To get to the point of my bitchfest here, it is hard living in a society when you don't feel a part of it. I'm very comfortable being alone. But, I also realize the benefits of being with people. The best decription I have ever found of myself in print came from Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings' The Yearling. It comes in chapter two where she is describing why the father went to live deep in the forest instead of in the village. "He had grown from under the the sternness of his father into a world less direct, less honest, in its harshness, and therefore more disturbing... The peace of the the vast aloff scrub had drawn him with the beneficence of its silence. Something in him was raw and tender. The touch of men was hurtful upon it, but the touch of the pines was healing... The wild animals seemed less predatory to him than people he had known. The forays of bear and wolf and wild-cat and panther on stock were understandable, which was more than he could say of human cruelties." I feel like that. Developers are putting in cookie-cutter housing developments out here full of trophy homes. The city people move out here and then complain about the smell of cow manure, the roosters, the coyotes, etc. I wonder why they come out here? They obviously don't see it the same way I do. I love the coyotes! I think if you don't want your little dog eaten by one, then you should keep it on a leash. But, anyway, that's how I'm feeling these days. We had decided to stay here for at least 10 years, and then maybe look for something in the mountains, with more land to seclude myself. Ok, now since I complained enought this morning, I need to go have some lunch and work on a drawing. On a positive note.... Have a wonderful day!